Halt.Stop.Break

You were soft-spoken.

And I, I was always noisy and full of energy. My energy, you would love for a time and would be your own energy. This would quench both our thirst for new things, our passion for fun and enjoyment and, of course, love.

How I loved you.

Never in my thoughts did it linger in my mind to leave you. Never in my wildest imaginations did it ever appear that I would grow tired of all this.

For a time we were at our best then, as we both grew, our energy would both fade. You always wanted to be with me. I thought it was impractical. It lacked a longing for long-term dreams to come true. You hated me and for the first time I grew tired. I grew tired of you hating me.

I had to leave you.

Then came another love and it wasn’t quite what I expected. Our relationship didn’t last long enough for you to stop loving me. I just had to see you again, and see for myself how miserable we both have become after the breakup. I have to admit it was a night of drunken bliss and the fact that you don’t even drink made it more blissful.

I came back and cried and you cried and we both cried.

Then it was “us” again.

We were happy and loved. Never in my thoughts did it linger in my mind to leave you. Never in my wildest imaginations did it ever appear that I would grow tired of all this.

For a time I believed that we would finally understand each other, hundreds of promises have been made and broken. But in the end, it was still “us.” We had the time of our lives. My career in music was flourishing and my writing kept getting better. I also was at the peak of my game in football.

And during all those times you were there and it seemed perfect. For a time my dreams became your dreams; my defeat your defeat. Though everything wasn’t perfect we loved “us.”

“Us” meant both our dreams, flaws, personalities, families and everything that has to do with “us.”

Then little by little everything just came crumbling down. It sucked and we both hated it. What with your nagging and my hard-headedness. We got into fights and both of us got hurt -you, figuratively and I, literally. It was a chair thrown at my face that almost got me leaving you again and there were words that I said that made you want to throw some more chairs at me.

And it didn’t feel right. It was imperfect and it sucks.

It was fucking imperfect.

Since then we tried to give each other what we had before. We tried to recharge our “energy.” In our futile attempts to go back and have a normal and happy love, we ended up having something worse. At the back of our minds, we’ve had enough.

It was a second break-up waiting to happen.

And then it did, after three days of not seeing each other I finally summed up the courage to release you. I did. I said we would never understand each other even if we tried our hardest.

You said it can still be saved.

I practically gave up.

For the second time, I left you and you didn’t want another word from me.

Never in my thoughts did it linger in my mind to leave you. Never in my wildest imaginations did it ever appear that I would grow tired of all this. I’m sorry.

Fuck it, I’m so sorry.


Posted in Friendster Blogs on Jan.26, 2007